cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Randomize
