apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
this must be what syphilis tastes like
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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