My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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