im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i may or may not be watching the land before time
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
