So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
