Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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