i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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