enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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