Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
