Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
