i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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