its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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