He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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