Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
