girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
