my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
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