just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
