I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
