Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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