Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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