you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
