there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
