seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Randomize
