I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
