shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
