Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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