woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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