here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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