Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I want her autograph on my taint
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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