Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
