She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
