She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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