You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
