I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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