I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
