We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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