i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
