Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
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