I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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