I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
The feeling are messing with the penis
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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