I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Randomize
