Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
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