no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
