try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize
