I am midnight drunk by noon
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
