we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
