Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
