Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I need a burrito and a hug.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
