Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
In other news, I just burned my penis
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
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