Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
